Hello--the best thing since Gutenburg's movable type in the 1400s, remember?

I have always been a writer. My grandma has writings of mine that I wrote at age 5; then again she has things saved from her 1969 wedding to my grandfather. We are a family of pack rats but that is a WHOLE other blog topic.

At the age of 11, I was published for the first time for a poem that I wrote. You would have thought by my family's reaction that I was fucking Walt Whitman. From that moment on it was set, I wanted to be a writer. There was no doubt in my mind. No one was stopping me! I succeeded and won this contest and my family thinks I am the next Jane Eyre over here.

I excelled in all of my English and lit classes all through high school; even taking a senior writing class my junior year (hello--the best thing since Gutenburg's movable type in the 1400s, remember?) I continued to write short stories and poetry all throughout my four years at Boylan. It was my release. Looking back at the poetry now, I realize how very depressed I truly was. My breakdown right after graduation really shouldn't have been that much of a shocker had I looked inside and noticed I was that girl in all my poems. I was really that in the dark I suppose.

Post high school and mental breakdown number 1 (yes, they have numbers!), I couldn't write anymore. Literally would sit down and nothing would come out. Usually my poetry came out like diarrhea, I couldn't stop the stuff! Not anymore. Here I am, at the lowest point in my life and my only coping tool bailed on me. In enters my second coping friend, food! I was living on my own for the first time. Depressed as all hell. Smoking a lot of pot. Hiding my emotions behind a happy face and many Swiss cake roll wrappers. As someone who has suffered with her weight all her life, let's add 50 pounds to my flabby self and see how that helps the self esteem! Smart Megan!

So, this has been my life off and on for 4 years now. Mental breakdown. Therapy. Feeling good. Diet. Losing weight. Skinny(ish)-ness. Life goes good for awhile. Then the cycle of peaks and valleys starts over again. Well, I have finally come to the point in my life where that is ending! I am not saying shit isn't going to get me down anymore, because Lord knows with my genetic makeup and chemical imbalance this girl is going to be on pills forever to at least even my moods out, but I am finally ok with that. I used to self diagnose. Start feeling better and stop taking my medicine. Hmm, wonder why I spiraled down into the holes I did?!

I hid behind my disease for four years. Not anymore world! Watch out! Megan has returned, and she is a bad bitch! I have a new found confidence that yes, still has its moments of waning, but its growing daily. I have come to the conclusion that I am worth it. Who cares if I am a size 22? Who cares if my boobs are small and sort of misshapen? I love myself for who I am, and if you can't, then too bad, you are missing out. I am going places and you could've been coming with me.

Do I know what I am going to be doing in the next year? Not really, but I do have plans that I will stick out. The past four years has bogged me down with a lack of motivation, and I am not letting that happen anymore. I am taking back the attitude that I had 13 years ago. No one is going to stop me! This time there is no doubt in my mind. I have come a long way and you haven't seen anything yet!